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[le_mat]

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<silverfeather> during first april fog

[familyproblem]

I have a question or two to ask. It has to do with feeding, and it might take a while to get through. It's not urgent, though. Let me know when you have some time?

< joker >

[le_mat]

shoot. Not like I can sleep or anything like that, so i have time

<silverfeather>

[familyproblem]

Because of the noise or?

[le_mat]

yeah. kelpie ears are sensitive. I passed out in the tub for an hour or two earlier but that's it

[familyproblem]

That bodes well. It's bad here too unfortunately.

This is going to be about dealing with having to kill, specifically. (Nothing new happened here. I'm just thinking.) Give me a minute to write this out.

[le_mat]

thanks for the warning. go ahead whenever.

[he can't help but be anxious about the question- he's done his more than fair share of killing here, regardless of his attempts at mitigation.]

[familyproblem]

[It's a few minutes, actually.]

Just about everyone I know either has, or will. There's not many monster types that she lets get away without it, between hunting instincts and feeding requirements.

I don't take for granted that I'm one of the few, but it's left me at a bit of a loss sometimes. I try to lighten the twins' load, but it's always indirect things because there's not much I can do about the killing without just adding to the carnage. It's hard to shut up the voice saying I need to charge in there and be more hands-on. Get involved in processing bodies or something. I could deal with the heart of the problem instead of just creating distractions.

But I know the twins feel somewhat responsible for me, and I know it'd upset them if I did things like that. So that urge isn't actually about doing right by them, or by anyone else I know.

And the reason I'm really thinking about it now is because Silvally's unhappy with me for how I acted in the last fog. To make a long story short, I tried to keep it out of the way, and that was a stupid idea. To make an even longer story short, I think being here, practically powerless, makes it feel the same way I do about all of this: like it can't do the thing it's built to do. I don't want it to. If it threw itself out there to try to protect me, it could land in mortal danger. And I don't want it to get involved in my feeding, or anything that goes into that. None of that would actually help me.

There's more to that, but I can't base too many assumptions on it. I want your honest opinion about these things. What does it mean to you that I don't know what it's like? What can I, or can't I, do from here?

[le_mat]

[that's a lot to read, if thankfully not a lot to process. The issue, to him, seems easy to understand, though not easy to solve.]

okay, so stop me if I'm off base. But I sounds like hunting and killing is less the issue then the fact that you're stuck in place without a lot of agency?

[familyproblem]

[what.




another few minutes' pause here.]

Maybe? Aren't we all? What I meant is that

having to kill is the main burden that monsters bear. Some people can be protected from having to do it, and others can't.

I'm not completely clueless; I can think of a few ways to be helped that don't require being protected. But thinking isn't knowing. I want to know what helps.

[Hit send.

Another message less than a minute later:]

I know there's no single answer to this. I'm not looking for a formal essay or anything.

[le_mat]

No essay? But I'm good at essays.

jk. I know how that is- you know something but that doesn't change your brain from sticking on it.


[He ponders his next words carefully, because it's a heavy thought that floats to his mind, and he's not sure even HE thinks it's a good one. But it would probably help Gladion process his hang-ups a bit? Maybe?]

I can't think of anything obvious but... if you think being involved in the burden will help you figure out what you need to do... then why not come with me when I feed next?

[familyproblem]

[Gladion feels like something got turned around here.

...But then again, asking someone to just spill their feelings on a topic this heavy is - a lot. It's a big ask, and very sudden. And one possibility always was that the best thing for him to do about it all is to not ask. To just...understand.

To have seen and done enough that he doesn't have to ask? Is that the idea?]

I could do that.

Think carefully about what parts you want me involved in. Giving you a guilty conscience defeats the whole purpose.

[le_mat]

[something sure has, and Akira feels guilty dread already. Oh this was a bad idea wasn't it?]

I mean, I'm going to feel guilty no matter what. I would... rather you not have to deal with it at all, honestly. But it's such a huge part of this place it's. I dunno, maybe naive to think anyone can avoid it forever, even if If their feeding methods are different. The Fog likes to fuck with us. I've

[he pauses there for a bit, not happy about admitting this]

killed people when I didn't have to, here. Usually due to the fog effects. Like the red mist. But sometimes the Fog just... gets in there. Makes you lose your sense of judgement. I dont want you to have to deal with that if you don't have to, but whatever you want to know or see... I mean, you were there for me after my first. That means a lot. So whatever you need, I got you.

[familyproblem]

[Oh. Hang on a second.]

I might have misspoken. Give me a minute to think.

[It's probably a shorter minute than anticipated. It doesn't really take him that long to nail down what he thinks went wrong. The hard part is getting over himself to articulate it.]

All I really needed to know was whether it would help more to get involved, or stay out of it. Whether my luck is a source of resentment, or relief. I think you've already answered that question.

[give him a sec on the rest of that]

[le_mat]

[There's... quite a bit of delay between each responce]

oh

uh, wow ha ha

sorry. this is embarrassing.

this is why im usually the Joke Guy

[His embarrassment is palpable through the internet.]

though i DID mean what i said.

and yeah, i definitely don't resent you. It never even occurred to me.

and i doubt that's the case with the twins either. hell, me and ingo teamed up for a while in the pale while he was trying to find you and emmet

[familyproblem]

[yeah it's extremely palpable.]

Like I'm not embarrassed too.

[However: Gladion is pretty sure that the root problem here was his own attempt to avoid saying "hey, I'm insecure about something, can you pat my ass real quick".

...In part because that's not all there is to it. Maybe he should try to reiterate his thoughts about Silvally.

Maybe he should keep his mouth shut.

He'll have time to think about it because oh look a distraction. Sort of.]

I'm definitely not worried about their opinions. They're too straightforward for that. It's still a question of

[long pause. What the fuck is this a question of. He can't easily articulate this, hence the initial rambling. ARGH.]

strength, I guess.

This is not easy to explain.

[le_mat]

well I cant promise I'll get it, but you can try? promise no judgement here. sometimes just having a sounding board helps

[familyproblem]

[.....]

Maybe I should tell you more about Silvally. It's the one who got me thinking about any of this.

[still pondering.]

[le_mat]

[he had compared his situation to silvally's earlier, hadnt he?]

sounds like a good place to start

[familyproblem]

[This one takes a while. He types things out, and erases them. Types them again, a little different.]

Silvally is an incredibly powerful Pokemon and always has been. Before I brought it here, the whole idea of keeping it out of a fight for its own safety would have been absurd. Dealing with unknown threats through sheer force is what it was, literally, made to do. Everything else is something it had to learn.

Protecting me was never the point of all that power, but it just comes with the territory of Pokemon training. Ultimately I'm just a human, and there's only so much we can do. And that's never been much of a problem for Silvally, as strong as it is.

Not so much here. Another monster could probably kill it if they tried, and I have to watch out for that. And on the other hand, so far it's been immune to some of what the Fog and other powers here do to us...but there's nothing it could take on in a fight and win to make those things stop.

[le_mat]

so the two of you have switched roles almost

[familyproblem]

Almost.

[...]

Not in every way, but in more ways than just that. Physical strength is just the obvious part.

One of them is what I was saying about not wanting it to put itself in danger. There's other things I don't want it to be involved in either, like when I feed. Or when the twins bring a body back. I can't read its mind, but it obviously stresses it out to know that we're upset and not be able to do anything about it directly.

It's been adjusting really well to all of this, though. Impressively well.

[le_mat]

the same way most of us would be if someone who didn't have to be involved got tangled in those things. makes sense.

and i'm glad. I know you were... conflicted when it first arrived.

[familyproblem]

Right.

[And then a much longer pause here. The backspacing is copious.

It's not like Gladion is a stranger to Just Saying Things, but the resistance to it runs deep in him, and when it surfaces it's so silent that he barely notices the source of his uncertainty. The closer he gets to admitting something he feels, the more frivolous it seems. This problem isn't even a problem, now that the question of where he stands relative to...murdercannibalism is sorted. More sorted than it was.]

I'm nothing but proud of it for how it's been doing. If you'd known it before I brought it here, you might be shocked by how quickly it's adapted to a very different lifestyle.

[God. How does he...where does he take this from here. How does he, like, dislodge the thing that's stuck in his throat about this.]

It sets quite the example to live up to.

[Mmmmmmmaybe??]

[le_mat]

[hmm]

from what you told me, adapting is what pokemon DO- it's more natural for them than it is for us humans, right? still, it's something to aim for, as best we can.

[familyproblem]

[another glacially long pause]

I don't think we could fairly say anything is that "natural" for Silvally.

[i stick my hints and implications under your door]